Now, that is the REAL blog entry, the creme de la creme.
We all had a weekend "escapade" in which we lived numerous different experiences. Well, I SANG and suddenly I realized I didn't mind anymore doing so in front of people. There's this unbreakable wall around me. Trust me. I don't think I'm letting anyone through it, but it doesn't mean that the mask cannot begin to appear more like the true self within. Maybe I don't want to keep on like this and be so much more different.
Caterina and I went exploring very strange cave. After almost getting killed, losing my powers and encountering myself with a very mysterious foe, we went back to the academy. However, I screwed up again. When you have painful memories, such as the ones I carry, you really try your best to cover them over. That's not the answer, though: the hole is still there, you've left it unfixed. I have an extremely good memory, and I'm glad I do so. I don't want to forget anything, but suppressing those memories, doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Problem is... every time I try to suppress them, they come back haunting me 5 times stronger than usual, and I get trapped in them. It's my personal trauma, my personal own darkness. They're horrible: children torn to shreds, hands without bodies to go without them, blood everywhere, crying, screaming... complete annihilation.... and I'm in the middle, crying my heart out. Why? Because I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't prevent it. I was one of the most powerful... then why did I fail? Isn't "good" supposed to triumph? Why was I suddenly left alone?
You'd think that so much time after, I would have surpassed all that. However, sometimes I still smell the blood or hear the screams. I've learned to live with that, but I'm still... haunted. But I'm living with the memories, and just as sometimes they make me weak, sometimes they become my best weapon. My memories build up my true powers... make me seek sweet revenge on all of those who dared betray us. So... I'm filled with hate for these pathetic beings, which I will eventually take care of. I am... what I am, after all.
That's the one secret no one will find out about, not even Draven knows the whole story, and he'll never know. The memories live and die with me, and with that other survivor... who I'm desperately looking for. Maybe this survivor will be able to tell me about him, about what happened to him... because I still love him and because I'll always love him. This is for you, Kaine. Whatever I'm doing, it's all for you. After all, like we always did, I'm going to prove to you why you loved me too! Ha! If you were here with me, I'd show you all my neat tricks and what I'm planning to do with them... I'm sure you'd be proud.
Now back to the present... where we're living... the past stays in the past, it becomes our strongest weapon to battle the future.
Present.
I was betrayed by my thoughts then, but Leo brought me back to reality, thankfully, he knows how to 'shock' treat me. But... he was there too. Rink knows too much. Sometimes I think I should try to suppress his memories or just kill him. However, I know it would be impossible to do either of those. When he's around, the wall that surrounds me, morphs. It becomes a transparent wall. It's still there, but it's like he can suddenly glimpse into more. I don't want him to know, he wouldn't understand. He would probably call me a "drama queen" again and laugh at me. But then I'd be serious again. IF he taps into what lurks inside... he'll find someone that's falling forever. It's ugly: powerful and grand, but still, that power is nothing pretty. I don't know why I think about him so often. He's human, insulting, and stupid. And yet I worry, he's the closest one to crumbling the wall apart. That's not really good for me... I've invested a long time building that wall, I don't want to be healed or talked to. I want it to disappear right at the moment it's meant to do so... "the right time".
I've found a very good friend in the Guardian of Earth, Ivan. He makes me feel... I can't really described it. I've had tons of sex, Vince being the WORST ever (dude, you REALLY SUCK). Draven's always been good (:P stupid dragon). Ivan was.... God Ivan was.... VERY good.... jeez... I still think about it and I blush and I get distracted. I mean... he really knows how to use his stuff. We don't have a compromise or anything like that... it was just very hot and steamy sex. I don't really think I want a compromise, at least not yet... I'm still trying to deal with other issues. Not only that, but there's also the fact that I didn't want to get involved with any of the guardians to start with. Yeah... I'm already involved... SUE me okay?
Although I don't really think any of this is that complex anyways.
Truth be told, I think that at this point, where I am now, I can handle just about anything... or maybe I'm just plain wrong about everything I've written and these words have no meaning...
.... if that were so, though, everything would be good enough... and it never is.
We all had a weekend "escapade" in which we lived numerous different experiences. Well, I SANG and suddenly I realized I didn't mind anymore doing so in front of people. There's this unbreakable wall around me. Trust me. I don't think I'm letting anyone through it, but it doesn't mean that the mask cannot begin to appear more like the true self within. Maybe I don't want to keep on like this and be so much more different.
Caterina and I went exploring very strange cave. After almost getting killed, losing my powers and encountering myself with a very mysterious foe, we went back to the academy. However, I screwed up again. When you have painful memories, such as the ones I carry, you really try your best to cover them over. That's not the answer, though: the hole is still there, you've left it unfixed. I have an extremely good memory, and I'm glad I do so. I don't want to forget anything, but suppressing those memories, doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Problem is... every time I try to suppress them, they come back haunting me 5 times stronger than usual, and I get trapped in them. It's my personal trauma, my personal own darkness. They're horrible: children torn to shreds, hands without bodies to go without them, blood everywhere, crying, screaming... complete annihilation.... and I'm in the middle, crying my heart out. Why? Because I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't prevent it. I was one of the most powerful... then why did I fail? Isn't "good" supposed to triumph? Why was I suddenly left alone?
You'd think that so much time after, I would have surpassed all that. However, sometimes I still smell the blood or hear the screams. I've learned to live with that, but I'm still... haunted. But I'm living with the memories, and just as sometimes they make me weak, sometimes they become my best weapon. My memories build up my true powers... make me seek sweet revenge on all of those who dared betray us. So... I'm filled with hate for these pathetic beings, which I will eventually take care of. I am... what I am, after all.
That's the one secret no one will find out about, not even Draven knows the whole story, and he'll never know. The memories live and die with me, and with that other survivor... who I'm desperately looking for. Maybe this survivor will be able to tell me about him, about what happened to him... because I still love him and because I'll always love him. This is for you, Kaine. Whatever I'm doing, it's all for you. After all, like we always did, I'm going to prove to you why you loved me too! Ha! If you were here with me, I'd show you all my neat tricks and what I'm planning to do with them... I'm sure you'd be proud.
Now back to the present... where we're living... the past stays in the past, it becomes our strongest weapon to battle the future.
Present.
I was betrayed by my thoughts then, but Leo brought me back to reality, thankfully, he knows how to 'shock' treat me. But... he was there too. Rink knows too much. Sometimes I think I should try to suppress his memories or just kill him. However, I know it would be impossible to do either of those. When he's around, the wall that surrounds me, morphs. It becomes a transparent wall. It's still there, but it's like he can suddenly glimpse into more. I don't want him to know, he wouldn't understand. He would probably call me a "drama queen" again and laugh at me. But then I'd be serious again. IF he taps into what lurks inside... he'll find someone that's falling forever. It's ugly: powerful and grand, but still, that power is nothing pretty. I don't know why I think about him so often. He's human, insulting, and stupid. And yet I worry, he's the closest one to crumbling the wall apart. That's not really good for me... I've invested a long time building that wall, I don't want to be healed or talked to. I want it to disappear right at the moment it's meant to do so... "the right time".
I've found a very good friend in the Guardian of Earth, Ivan. He makes me feel... I can't really described it. I've had tons of sex, Vince being the WORST ever (dude, you REALLY SUCK). Draven's always been good (:P stupid dragon). Ivan was.... God Ivan was.... VERY good.... jeez... I still think about it and I blush and I get distracted. I mean... he really knows how to use his stuff. We don't have a compromise or anything like that... it was just very hot and steamy sex. I don't really think I want a compromise, at least not yet... I'm still trying to deal with other issues. Not only that, but there's also the fact that I didn't want to get involved with any of the guardians to start with. Yeah... I'm already involved... SUE me okay?
Although I don't really think any of this is that complex anyways.
Truth be told, I think that at this point, where I am now, I can handle just about anything... or maybe I'm just plain wrong about everything I've written and these words have no meaning...
.... if that were so, though, everything would be good enough... and it never is.
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