I'm not prone to reading what humans call 'manga', but out of the requests of my friend, I decided to venture into the pages of one. For those who don't know, 'mangas' are Japanese comics, and that's the most explanations I'm going to do about them. However, as always, I'm induced to trying out new things, so I read this particular manga. It was a little book, couldn't be more than 200 pages, and yet I was mesmerized.
At first, I was very skeptic, passing the pages as fast as I could in hopes of finishing it in no time. Suddenly, the story hit me, I was completely immersed in it. I could identify myself with the character I was reading about. Before I knew it, and against my will, red blood tears were descending down my cheeks. I was crying, sobbing then... It broke me... it broke my heart.
I lost everything. I remember standing in the middle of nothingness and looking at my empty hands. Every part of me ached, not because of the physical pain, but because no one was next to me anymore. Real loneliness... real consuming loneliness, slowly ends up consuming you completely. As in the book, I remember becoming 'blank', although my emptiness was different. I tried to build an objective, I created a goal, which I desperately had to reach. Everyone seemed to admire my 'strength', but inside, I was dying, I wanted something to fight for, yet there was just darkness... In the middle of the nights I would wake up and sob, carefully covering myself up so that no one would hear, I didn't want them to think... I was lonely... I had no one. Then came the coldness. You become numb inside... the numbness is so much better than the constant pain. I remember thinking "if I need pain to be happy, I prefer to have neither and lie peacefully in my own darkness". I guess that the mission saved me. Having people admire me, saved me from destruction... however... admiring and praising... isn't love. I felt incomplete... shattered.
That's why I can identify with the character. Sometimes we do crazy things to get people to love us. Sometimes we don't realize just how much we need someone to protect US and make us feel wanted. People fail to see that without another, we slowly decay... we're not worth keeping in this existence. Being alone, having to face the world alone, it's not a challenge, don't say that damn it! Growing alone, facing the end and the problems all alone, gives a feeling of complete desperation.
I kept on going... I don't like giving up... I don't quit. I made it... unfortunately, not all of us do.
So then... you have to deal with these immense amounts of pain. You have to endure endless nights of sorrow. You learn to embrace the darkness deep into yourself, caring only about erasing that pain. But suddenly, you find light. You awaken from the long foresaken dream, to realize, someone has appeared and has been watching you for some time. You meet someone new, someone who eases away the darkness, who teaches you to love every aspect of yourself. You find that everything you've done was to meet that person. You fall in love... you realize you've finally reached the point where things are fine. You find in that person a reason to care, not about the world, but about yourself. That person becomes you, melts within you, gives themselves to you, and its time for you to fight. It's true, we're all selfish when it comes to love, but it's the one guarantee that things are worth appreciating completely. After so much, finding someone... who will accept you... who will love you... it's such a relief... it's like God's telling you from above "Well done, take a break, you deserve this person". It feels as if somone were picking the pieces of your shattered self and placing them back up, but as they do, they heal you.
To lose such a person, after so much... I don't think such pain could be bearable. When you finally reach out and a hand pulls you towards them, having that bastion disappear... going back to being alone?
The tears have dried up. Losing everything again? No one deserves that. No one.
At first, I was very skeptic, passing the pages as fast as I could in hopes of finishing it in no time. Suddenly, the story hit me, I was completely immersed in it. I could identify myself with the character I was reading about. Before I knew it, and against my will, red blood tears were descending down my cheeks. I was crying, sobbing then... It broke me... it broke my heart.
I lost everything. I remember standing in the middle of nothingness and looking at my empty hands. Every part of me ached, not because of the physical pain, but because no one was next to me anymore. Real loneliness... real consuming loneliness, slowly ends up consuming you completely. As in the book, I remember becoming 'blank', although my emptiness was different. I tried to build an objective, I created a goal, which I desperately had to reach. Everyone seemed to admire my 'strength', but inside, I was dying, I wanted something to fight for, yet there was just darkness... In the middle of the nights I would wake up and sob, carefully covering myself up so that no one would hear, I didn't want them to think... I was lonely... I had no one. Then came the coldness. You become numb inside... the numbness is so much better than the constant pain. I remember thinking "if I need pain to be happy, I prefer to have neither and lie peacefully in my own darkness". I guess that the mission saved me. Having people admire me, saved me from destruction... however... admiring and praising... isn't love. I felt incomplete... shattered.
That's why I can identify with the character. Sometimes we do crazy things to get people to love us. Sometimes we don't realize just how much we need someone to protect US and make us feel wanted. People fail to see that without another, we slowly decay... we're not worth keeping in this existence. Being alone, having to face the world alone, it's not a challenge, don't say that damn it! Growing alone, facing the end and the problems all alone, gives a feeling of complete desperation.
I kept on going... I don't like giving up... I don't quit. I made it... unfortunately, not all of us do.
So then... you have to deal with these immense amounts of pain. You have to endure endless nights of sorrow. You learn to embrace the darkness deep into yourself, caring only about erasing that pain. But suddenly, you find light. You awaken from the long foresaken dream, to realize, someone has appeared and has been watching you for some time. You meet someone new, someone who eases away the darkness, who teaches you to love every aspect of yourself. You find that everything you've done was to meet that person. You fall in love... you realize you've finally reached the point where things are fine. You find in that person a reason to care, not about the world, but about yourself. That person becomes you, melts within you, gives themselves to you, and its time for you to fight. It's true, we're all selfish when it comes to love, but it's the one guarantee that things are worth appreciating completely. After so much, finding someone... who will accept you... who will love you... it's such a relief... it's like God's telling you from above "Well done, take a break, you deserve this person". It feels as if somone were picking the pieces of your shattered self and placing them back up, but as they do, they heal you.
To lose such a person, after so much... I don't think such pain could be bearable. When you finally reach out and a hand pulls you towards them, having that bastion disappear... going back to being alone?
The tears have dried up. Losing everything again? No one deserves that. No one.
2 comentarios:
I completely understand. I also identified a lot with the character, it's exactly how I had been feeling most of my life. Except, I did lose that person... and then I found someone else... and I lost him too... so now I'm being very careful about what I do with my heart. Strenght aside... it can only take so much.
You know sometimes... reading about you, reminds me of my weakness.
How are things Ashley Vasser? How's your french going?
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