Screwed it

I've been sitting here for the past 7 hours.

Here being the top of the tallest building in all the school, where no one will find me; where no one can even reach me. I've been staring at the stars for a while, having slept nothing at all. They look very pretty like that, inmobile in the sky. When you see them, you'd think there's nothing wrong with the world.

Ha. If you think that, you're a fool.

The whole world is just plain wrong, specially when we talk about humans. They're existence itself is chaotic. Sometimes I wish I weren't part of all this... I wish my past had been different and consequently my future was something I didn't have the necessity to completely forge. However, things are not like we want and I have no other option.

It's hard to pretend, even when it comes naturally to you.

I wish I could be completely honest, just go right into it all. But I can't be. I've been waiting so long for this. I just can't screw it more than it already is.

After all, the original plan was not to interact... and look at things now!? I hate to think that I've partially failed a mission, but I can't fight my nature sometimes.

With all due honesty, there are a lot of things I would like to change, or would like to plainly destroy. I can't. Again, I must be patient and wait.

The reason I screwed it really bad was because I told him something I shouldn't. Yes yes... you know when you're not supposed to let a man know when you like him? Pfft. It's never worked with me. I ALWAYS end up telling, and right to his face too. I would love to see myself, though. I know how I feel when I say it. I feel like "SO? I don't FUCKING care about the FUCKING world, I LIKE YOU, OKAY? And I'm A GRAND PRIZE, okay?" That's SIMILAR to the attitude I say it with: like if I couldn't care a flying fuck. Truth is... I DO care a flying fuck.

I remember my FIRST declaration of ardent love to Kaine. Yeah... right in the middle of the school. "Yes I LIKE HIM, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" ANd he wasn't even THERE! hilarious. I thought he was though. He wasn't. And the thing is... I COULD be a little bit more romantic or reserved. I hate bloody Lucy for being so "EASY" with men sometimes. Scratch that... it's how easy SHE is with men. I can't be like that. I like flirting with them, teasing them unmercifully, I love PLAYING with guys. Point is.... I mean, THING is... I need to be free to do so. It's stupid. Damn.

I'm very confident of the way I look and I know how to use my tools. The LITTLE problem, is that I know how to use them, usually on the people I don't really care about that much. Let's take Kaine again as an example... When we were OFFICIALLY girlfriend and boyfriend, I was really normal and easy going and MYSELF. Whao. That was weird... I haven't been like that for a while.... Take Draven now, I'm always myself with him, it's just natural, but I don't really love him, not in that way I mean. I can dress sexy, give a man a very nice and enthralling smile, but just when I know there's no risk IN MY PART. It's so much easier when you don't love that person... you have nothing to lose.

But when you like that person.... you screw up.

Like me.

I'm an expert at it.

WHY did I TELL him?

Damn. Damn. Damn.

I don't run. I never run. But right now, I don't want to see him again. I promised myself I'd keep a distance, and I will. THAT is... IF MY HORMONES ALLOW ME TO DO SO....

Alright.

Fuck it. Screw it.

I'm asking Draven to send me some 'Riz', a special drink...

That should get me drunk! HA!! :D Yay!