- Across my Memory -

Today, I spent the whole day training. I did some spells, exercised: swimming, ran a bit, and overall, shadow trained. I wanted to make sure my abilities are efficient and good. Something I was successful in proving. It was tough, but I handled it just fine. That's good.

Caterina rang me today... something about eating Eric's Mozzarella (that was the plate's name). Caterina, get IT OVER with, it's JUST a plate. (you DID pinch it several times with your fork, right?). That's terrible luck for you....

While I was swimming today, something happened. I discovered an underwater cave under the school lake. That's actually were I trained. It's a secret spot, where you're COMPLETELY alone. It's not too cold down there, but it's not HOT either, I guess its temperature is just fine. It's a beautiful place, not only because it's filled with shining crystals all around, but because the water creates some sort of music against its walls. A relaxing place inside such a hell-like institution: the Academy.

This translates to the fact that I went missing all day. I had left my cellphone near my bag (which I had left in a tree near the lake) and then I was under water where I assure you, probably no one will ever go. (it's almost impossible to get down there. I'm telling you.) I don't care what about detention anymore. That doesn't really matter to me. School records? They won't make a difference IN MY LIFE. Ha! That's it, I guess. I stopped caring about all those things. Other circumstances plague my mind and I seem to find myself thinking about them.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing does.

Anything you could possibly give some love too, doesn't matter either.

Everything is ever changing. Our hearts, our minds... ourselves. We are constantly transforming into other beings, into different people. What's the point then, of taking things too seriously? What's the point of being vain? It's all of us. We're all stuck in the eternal void of balance and fortune... always rocking between the weight of the world in our shoulder and the unbearable lightness of the unknown. Why should I care then? Give me ONE good reason. After all, isn't it better to be numb, to be somewhere in the middle and carry on indifferently? But then again, it's true 'being indifferent' also takes too much of an effort.

I'm constantly worrying about my own purpose in life. I've got plenty and I would die for my purpose. At the same time, I fear death. After all, those like me, we tend to grasp life and never want to let go of it. But I... Ashley Vasser, would give myself entirely for my mission, for what I think is important. Even if it takes hundreds of years, I'll keep on to it. Knowing I'm needed makes me strong, makes me deal with half of the things that come my way. If I were numb, then it wouldn't make any sense. The things I did would have absolutely no influence in me and then the reason for wanting to do them would be lacking. I am what my circumstances, what i've been raised to be and what I believe I am. Though it might sound strange and confusing, that's the way it is.

I want to be alone now. I don't mean I want to lock myself in the cave and never go out. No. I want to have a challenge, make sure that no matter what happens, my essence is still the same. Feeling out of place, I guess, is part of it. Not knowing what will happen with myself tomorrow, is somewhat exciting yet terrifying.

It doesn't matter... as I've said, who cares?

Anyways... and thing is... no matter what. I still have the future to look forward too. I want to create something that the rest acknowlegde me for. That's who I am. Going through life, learning about it, facing it... turns you into someone other people consider worth knowing. That's the type of person I want to be, I'm hoping to become.

Then again, this is just a long story, too many words and I'm becoming tired. I'll talk a bit more later.