Being Cared For - Strength

I read Caterina's post this morning. I hadn't realized she was going to wreck a car, honestly. Most people would look at me with a critic eye: but GOOD for her. She should've wrecked two more and damn it, take it all out. Sometimes, others don't understand, that losing yourself, letting go of the pain in the most unusual of ways, makes one feel free. Pfft. I certainly can't blame her... she wrecked a car... big deal, in my days I used to destroy buildings. haha. No, I was just joking, but I DO have a thing for destroying things. Usually, I take out the energy through the training.

I wish I could help her.

Maybe due to the way I've always been, I've never gone through what she's going. When I was done... when I 'broke' darkness simply took over. But I've said this already. I was numb too. I wanted the pain to go away. Until one day I woke up and realized it was I who had to make a difference and build something for myself again. Ever since, yeah.. I have my purpose. I fend for myself and for many others. They depend on me. That 'dependency' has made me strong and I can keep on going, head high. When I'm feeling hurt, I think about them and suddenly I realize that ALL THIS is just temporary. One day, I'll return to where I'm supposed to be.

Still... I wish I could give HER something that could make her stand free and forget about all the shit around her. Anger management? Stupid People. It's not about ANGER MANAGEMENT. Isn't there anyone that understands? Ha. Humans are stupid. Then again, I've always known this. Sometimes I'm AMAZED how stupid they can be (before I thought ALL of them were, now I know there a certain exceptions).

I'm going to be there for her. Just in case. If she needs me, I can handle anything. I can! haha. There goes my innate modesty.

As much as I like her (cause I do, she's really nice, and THIS IS BIG that I'm saying this, OKAY?)... I want to talk about something else.

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A LONG TIME AGO.... imagine a fairy tale beginning... LONG LONG ago....

I used to love a man very very much. In fact, we loved each other. Oh and the sex was great too. Unfortunately, because life is a bitch, he passed away under extremely... uncommon circumstances. It took me a while to recover from THAT blow. After losing my parents, losing him was like the Coup de Grace. God was telling me 'die child, no one loves you anymore'. Yeah. I got a tad bit depressed. (STRIKE ONE)

But that was a LONG time ago as I mentioned.

Then, not long ago, in fact, very recent, I began to like another guy. Yes. I had a crush on him. He reminded me of that LOVE, and maybe I found in him what I had adored from the previous. However, this man is.... ah... how do I put it delicately... a PIECE OF SHIT. So. Yeah. I don't want to be this guy either. I mean, and here I'm being perfectly honest, cause I usually AM, it's not that my body doesn't react to him, but I'm tired. I am. After you live a life like mine and you've taken in so much, you eventually get tired of the same old routines, jokes and abuses. You do. I search for stability. (STRIKE TWO)

So in comes this dashing young man, who's in my same class and has this great personality. I think HE REALLY likes me. He's always talking to me and smiling with that KNOWING smile at me, and he's extremely good looking. He sets my body on fire too, although I try to be somewhat decent and hide this fact, as much as I can. I think he's someone that I can count on. A person that you can also share with many things. He's someone I think I can trust. He gives off that sensation. He's stable, alright, I can tell everything about him is just... Let's leave it here. (STRIKE THREE)

Now... Logical reasoning leads you to the following.

x = First guy dead, keep him in your heart, your first love, but move on.

y = Second guy's a jerk, he doesn't really care about you, forget about him (-x)

z = Third guy is a jackpot, take him, fuck him and enjoy him, you've won the lottery girl

So...

x + (-x) + z = Z

yay. Math. my favorite.

Makes sense, logical, but no...

See... there's nothing LOGICAL about relationships. There never will be. If it's not your bloody heart guiding you one way and your mind the other, it's your fucking memories tricking you.

Conclusion: I've lived a pretty long life. That's no guarantee against mistakes. Inevitably, mistakes make you stronger and you learn from them. They will happen. Now. I also realize that this Z option might just be someone I can hard core fall in love with, but if I dated him NOW, I know I'd just do so to take advantage of the situation in perjudice of Y. I'm not going to that to him. I want to be honest about my feelings, like I've always been and set straight what I want to do. I don't want to be around Y anymore. He's given me no reason whatsoever to trust him, care for him and let alone like him. I want Z to win me over, I'm not going to play hard to get. I'll just let things BE. If he succeeds in calling MY attention and making me see stars... then... I'm all his.

That's for that.

But... Even though I'm sure relationships are important. My life doesn't revolve around them. I'm lonely and I'd love to have someone there, but if there's no one, I won't go crazy either. I want to prove myself to myself alone, and give it my best. I walk alone... generally. xD

So! I'll keep on with it... I've already taken a like to danger and adventure... I've already decided that NOTHING Is going to stop me from my goal... :)

I'll never let myself get down. I am, after all....

------- ASheS ---------